I'M A FRAUD
Hello lovely readers. Today I have something quite momentous to share with you. Yesterday, I finally made peace with my Mother after 41 years. Yep, you read that right.
My struggles, traumas and experiences of life growing up alone with my violent paranoid schizophrenic mother are, by now, reasonably well told. Well, if you've been among my lovely followers for a while, you'll have heard my story anyway. But, here's what I haven't shared, until now.
I have to be totally honest here among you beautiful likeminded souls that I love and trust. I never really made peace with my Mother. I blamed her. I resented her. And, I've been angry with her for the longest time. Despite all the other work I've done, tools I've designed, techniques I've developed and everything I've shared with wonderful clients that has been nothing less of transformational for them, the legacy of mine and my mother's relationship has hung over me like Winnie the Pooh's little black rain cloud. And yes, there have been times I've called on it for justification when I've felt less like carrying on. Used it as an excuse. Yes, me. I know, right?
Yep, in spite of all my successes and developments, I always felt there was still something sticking, like a fish bone in the throat. I could feel an obstacle but couldn't truly identify it. Oh, who am I kidding, I'm still hoodwinking you. I knew!!! I just didn't want to admit it to myself because that would mean letting go. It would mean facing it and dealing with it and, until yesterday, I honestly didn't know how I would do that.
Yesterday would have been Mildred's (my mother) 88th birthday. She died on New Years eve 2009/10. I didn't know that until my long lost cousin managed to track me down via the Salvation Army to let me know. At that point, I hadn't seen or heard from my mother for over 20 years. Following my Dad's funeral in 1987 and after claiming his entire estate (they were never divorced, only separated), Mildred disappeared in to the mist and I never heard from her again. Before my Dad died, a week after my 21st birthday, I hadn't seen my mother since I was 12 years old.
So, my relationship with my mother really only consisted of twelve very on and off, broken years, with lots of intervals when she would be committed and I would be sent to stay with her sister or put in to foster care. I'd say, in total, I probably had around eight or nine years with Mildred. But boy oh boy are those few years etched on my memory and burned in to my very soul.
You've heard the stories I'm sure, so I wont re tell them here. Suffice to say though, many would say I was probably more than justified in feeling the way I did about Mildred. However, here's what I came to realise. She's gone. She's gone, moved on and, whatever your beliefs about what happens after death, she's not at all affected by any of what happened while she was here. Her demons are no longer haunting her. The voices in her head have probably stopped, and I like to think she's finally at peace. Meanwhile, I've been walking around under that little black rain cloud and I've been doing it by choice. Don't get me wrong, I congratulate myself for escaping that horrific life, for developing myself in to a pretty decent adult, for working hard at learning all it took to make my life a good one. A life that to all intents and purposes can be celebrated. But, the rain in the cloud was full of the old anxiety, guilt, resentment and fear I felt for my mother, and it would intermittently rain down hard on me.
So, yesterday, on her birthday, I made a huge decision. I decided that Mildred and I had to make our peace. I'm sick of those feelings of guilt, anger and resentment hanging over me and holding me back from what I know I'm here to do. To share all I've learned and developed with you, so that you can live the very best life, build the very best business, have the very best healthiest relationships you can possibly dream of. I truly feel it's my duty to share all the tools, techniques and strategies it's taken me over forty years to develop. But, there's been a bit of a fraud about me, until now. I've forgiven much and many in my life, and my heart is big and open. But, I still had the Mildred black cloud following me around like Snoopy's friend Lynus with his dusty blanket.
So, here’s how I made peace with my 'Mam' as I used to call her when I was my tiny self. Firstly, I bought some of what I remember were her favourite sweets; coconut mushrooms. Next, I wrote her a letter that, in a nutshell, said that I thought it was
about time we made our peace. About time we forgave each other. I told her how much I'd loved and admired so many things about her; her beauty, her creativity, her talent, her love of music and dance. I told her that, as a child, I really did love her very much. The problem is, I feared her too. Of course, as my adult self, I know that it wasn't her I feared, but her demons, her condition. But, the tiny me didn't know they were separate. I told her so much. I opened my heart fully as I might have done had she come back in to my life before she died. If I'd had the chance to talk and to ask questions and to get answers. I did it in writing. And I apologised, for letting my fear make me disconnect from her and from myself. I apologised for letting that fear create a chasm between us that would never be mended. I apologised only for my part in it, and made her aware of hers. I finished by inviting her to stick around. But, I told her, she was only welcome to do that if she promised to be the sunshine through my rain, NOT the black rain cloud.
Yesterday was a cold grey day and it was raining heavily, but I took the letter and the sweets to the cemetery. I read the letter out loud and planted that and the sweets beneath a little plant on her grave. I wished her well, told her to "go in peace" and blew her a kiss as I left.
I felt an instant release. A freeing sensation. I felt a world lighter and a good deal clearer in my mind. I sat in silence in the car for a moment in contemplation. And, as I drove out of the cemetery gates, I swear to you that the rain stopped, blue sky broke through and the sun appeared. Was it a sign? I don't honestly know. It is April
after all. But, I do know that I'm choosing to think it was.
Today, I am disconnected from my feelings of guilt and fear. Today I am re connected to my mother. Today I am fully connected to my true self. Today is a very good day.
What do you need to connect with, or disconnect from, in order to be truly free? Are you living your truth? What are your little black rain clouds?
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